Eminem — Offended

You claim if you get knocked by the cops You'll give 'em not even a statement Walk in the arraignment Shoot the bailiff, karate kick the plaintiff Gotti with the stainless I'll just call it shoddy entertainment If y'all was in the party gettin' faded On molly, had the audience sedated You wouldn't catch a body if it fainted Probably let it fall and hit the pavement But you'd be the first lobbyin' to claim it Bitch, stop bein' a lame Your hobby isn’t robbery and dismemberin' body limbs Like you was Tommy Lynn Sells And chainsawin' them in the basement Hardly fits your job description Ain't nobody dippin' Out the back of the club like, "Oh my God, he's trippin'!" Only time you get the blade is probably with the dang lawn equipment, ain't it? Wouldn't take a bobby pin and wave it I need to stop bein' debated You're still copyin', Xeroxing, I'm still coppin' a feel Like Bill Cosby at will, poppin' a pill Then spill Oxys in Jill's coffee Then send her out to the hotel lobby a lil' wobbly and still groggy This blonde fuck's reprehensible Misconducts, never sensible Kiss my butt, my set of principles Is gone, but 'til I get the President to respond My pen and pencil is a missile launcher And send it to Mitch McConnell Just as big of a bitch as Donald—shit's on, bruh! (Ha-ha) Let me sing this shit soprano While I do it pizzicato Ivanka, stiff-arm her while I'm hittin' on Melania And this song's for all ya 'Cause nobody likes me, everybody hates me They want me to go eat some worms (I hope you offended) And drag my name through the mud, through the dirt But I'ma make you eat your words (I hope you offended) You can try to hold me down, but you better let me up 'Cause you're only gonna make things worse (I hope you offended) 'Cause I swear when I get up, I'm never gonna let up 'Til everybody eats my turds These drums and hard snares bring out the worst in me Like Justin Ross Harris at a nursery Goin' ham at candy yam on nanny cam I'm gettin' handies with the zanny Xannys in the Caddy armrest I'm imaginin' objects So I'm battin' cobwebs from a daddy longleg In Hamtramck, got the panoramic camera Xanax, a banana hammock and a Santa hat I'm smellin' like a damn mechanic With a chick that looks like Janet Jackson with a Spanish accent Twice her age and I'm actin' half it (Ha-ha) Grow up? Nah, not that I know of, y'all Basement just got a frickin' overhaul Got a stripper pole installed Started rollin' all through those Klonopins like a bowlin' ball Like an overdose on twice the ratio of Propofol And go through no withdrawal While I get fellatio and give a facial to An interracial blow-up doll of Rachel Dolezal You're so appalled (Em…), so's my manager Bitch, I am mature, fuck a pro career Coast is clear, but nowhere to go from here And nobody's close so don't compare They ain't nowhere near, I'm way over here My competition can't see me—'cause I don't own a mirror! But, Marshall, you are terrific, so smart and gifted I'm so narcissistic, when I fart I sniff it Do a fake dab to smell my armpits, whiff it Your anxiety's throwin' gang signs But I made strides with these rape lines I'm cuttin' back on women hate crimes Like Ray Rice when he FaceTimes Bang, bang, bang, bang time Dang knives're butcher than gay wives You're gonna need sutures the same size As the blade I push into caput'cha When I pull 'em like (What?) sleigh rides Gotta stab a bitch at least eight times to make it on Dateline I came to stake my claim like a canine waitin' in a buffet line So, Kellyanne Conway, I'm a really bad hombre Come play, belly dance on me I've been makin' wedding plans all day 'Cause nobody likes me, everybody hates me They want me to go eat some worms (I hope you offended) And drag my name through the mud, through the dirt But I'ma make you eat your words (I hope you offended) You can try to hold me down, but you better let me up 'Cause you're only gonna make things worse (I hope you offended) 'Cause I swear when I get up, I'm never gonna let up 'Til everybody eats my turds Eight-year-old with the wordplay Girl, take this pole like a survey Today wasn't my birthday But I'm caked up like a dessert tray So we're in shape, 'cause you're in a slurrin' state I’m a ten, you’re an eight Like what I do before, after, and durin' rape! You wanna get into a pissin' contest and find out who's better? And be made a fool out of when I pull on 'em? R. Kelly with a full bladder Non-high school grad, I'm not a scholar But I'm so cold when I'm droppin' knowledge My degrees is the same as I got in college (Zero) But nobody's hotter, you owe me my respect I owe you nada like Haloti, partner Blow me, told you I'm so dirty, homie You can throw me in some holy water With some floaties on and get the soap and try to Get the Pope to hold me while you hose me off And nope, I won't be washed Hope to God I don't explode I gotta blow this spot up though, I got a lotta mo' I won't put the sugar coating on it though 'Cause sometimes you can feel like your energy's expired Rap's got you drained, dead tired, zapped You feel like a wet pile of crap But look, man, like the feds buggin' my phone (Uh-huh) I get why you're tapped "But you gotta get your fire back Catch fire, get upset and fire back!" Is what I tell myself when times get bad 'Cause sometimes I might get sad But I take the same advice I had And tell myself like I used to tell Hailie when life's a drag Told her to do like her dad: don't cry, get mad! 'Cause little baby powders belong in diaper bags I'm hyper, by the time you see this side of me I'm right in your ass (Sodomy!) Foot up it, I stood up for the kid Who had to put up with the bullies at his school (At his school) You ain't had to have no money Or go shoppin' just to cop a fuckin' attitude (Attitude) Now my dough's amountin' to a mountain That's rised too high to count it Never asked to be rich, all I did was wish I had a dime for every time that I was doubted But then I think about it, then I'm enraged 'Cause I just figured out that if I was paid For the time I spent to put the pen to the page It'd be minimum wage But it's embedded in my head I never Hunted for the bread and butter What I wanted was to be the one that they was scared of but I'm never gonna get the credit for the sweat and blood I put up in the pen, and when I'm dead I wonder Will they put me on a pedestal Or forget I was ever this incredible? I guess I better go harder than ever 'cause I'll never get another motherfuckin' opportunity again To offend as many people with this, I can simply because I can 'Cause nobody likes me, everybody hates me They want me to go eat some worms (I hope you offended) And drag my name through the mud, through the dirt But I'ma make you eat your words (I hope you offended) You can try to hold me down, but you better let me up 'Cause you're only gonna make things worse (I hope you offended) 'Cause I swear when I get up, I'm never gonna let up 'Til everybody eats my turds